Practical Singleness Lesson 9


You Cannot Make Someone Love You

This is tough, especially when you really like someone and are beginning to fall in love with them but as time goes on they reveal that they don’t feel the same about you. Ouch! That hurts but hang in there, God will have someone better or more compatible with you.

A friend of mine shared her thoughts on trying to make someone love you. She says, as I look back, I see where I made many mistakes. My first and foremost mistake was that I ‘did not accept and maintain a steady relationship with God’.

If I had done this, I would not have found myself in the position I was in.

God’s love is free, and this love is like no other love you could ever experience in your life because it is whole. There is nothing lacking in the love that God can give you. Do not ever believe that you can live without love because you cannot. You cannot count on the people around you to give you that love either, but you can count on God. He is always there, and He never changes.

‘Another mistake was starting off in such a hurry’

This seems to be the popular thing to do these days. You think ‘Well I like him, and he likes me. Maybe we are in love. Why don’t we just go ahead and see if this sex business will work out for us if we really like it.’

You end up skipping over the part where you are really good friends. This was what was missing in my relationship with this man. There was no respect and friendship. He really did not respect me, and I did not really respect him. There was no friendship there.

‘Another mistake was getting involved sexually when I had no business doing it’

I was not married. I was not old enough or mature enough to face the consequences of a sexual relationship. Just because you have all the necessary parts to have a sexual relationship with someone does not mean that you are ready to get into it. It’s not just a physical activity it involves your emotions. You can truly mess up your emotions by getting involved when you are not ready. It is something that should be held sacred for marriage.

If you go back to the basics of what a relationship is all about you will see that you have a friendship first, secondly, you are both Christians, and out of that grows love. And God helps maintain that love. From there you go to dating and being serious and then later getting married.

Learned Too Late

A good friend of mine was seeking love and we should understand that it’s only natural to want someone to love you and someone you can love no matter how old you are. If you are in high school or university, the chances are that you are in love with someone right now, or think you might be, but be warned there are many wrong concepts about love.

Many people confuse infatuation with real love. Others think that ‘love at first sight’ is the real thing. Still, others do not know the difference between lust and love. What is infatuation and how does it affect you? What is the difference between lust and love? What is sexual attraction? What is real love? Let us consider these important questions.

What Is An Infatuation?

An infatuation is a state of being completely carried away by an attraction to someone. The dictionary calls it ‘being blindly in love.’ In other words, you are so carried away by this, that you don’t know what you are doing.

The one involved in a romantic infatuation usually cannot think of anything or anyone else other than the person he or she is ‘in love with.’

An infatuation is an exciting experience, an emotional high but it never lasts long because it is not true love.

One of the signs of infatuation is that you tend to idolize the person you think you are in love with. Everything they say or do seems just perfect to you. You don’t see any flaws. Other people can see plenty of ‘danger signals,’ but you can’t see them because you are ‘blindly in love.’

Our romantic feelings have taken over and you are not using ordinary good sense. When you are involved in a romantic infatuation you tend to be disorganized. You are not yourself, you are irresponsible, and you tend to neglect your duties.

Sometimes young people will daydream and ‘laze’ around, not doing their duties. Someone will ask, ‘What is the matter with you? You are not yourself.’ They smile sweetly and say, ‘Oh, I’m in love.’ No, they aren’t, they are infatuated.

If he was in love and his love was the real thing, he would be concerned about his duties, preparing and planning for his future. Most infatuations don’t last long. What does last, is the bitter fruit of wrongdoing committed during the infatuation.

Remember, when you are infatuated, you don’t use common sense. Your romantic feelings are in control and when this happens, you can do some things that you will regret for the rest of your life.

What Is Lust?

Lust is an intense desire to satisfy one’s sexual appetite. Lust often goes under the name of ‘love,’ but lust and love are two entirely different things.

Lust is selfish

The emphasis is on getting something. Lust demands immediate satisfaction and says, ‘I want it for my own pleasure, I want it regardless of the consequences, and I want it now.’

Love is unselfish

The emphasis is on giving. Love wants what is best for the other person and is willing to wait. Real love will wait for the right time and the right circumstances.

The Bible gives examples of both lust and love, 2 Samuel 13.

Ammon, one of David’s sons, thought that he was madly in love with Tamar, his half-sister, he desired her so much that he was literally sick. One of his evil friends suggested a plan whereby he could get Tamar alone and so Amnon carried out this plan and forced Tamar to have sex with him.

What happened next? He no longer cares for her, in fact, he hated her. Ammon’s love was not love at all. It was just lust.

On the other hand, the Bible tells of the love Jacob had for Rachel, Genesis 29.

Jacob had to work for Rachel’s father for seven long years in order to obtain Rachel as his wife. Jacob was willing to work and wait for Rachel because his love was the real thing. The Bible says that seven years ‘seemed to him but a few days’ because of the love he had for her.

What Is Sexual Attraction?

Sexual attraction is physical attraction between a guy and a girl. We are built with a sex drive which causes us to be interested in the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong or sinful about this. God made us this way. Sin comes when we attempt to satisfy our sexual drive in the wrong way. To be sexually attracted to someone does not mean that you are in love with that person.

A guy sees a girl with a beautiful figure and he says, ‘Wow!’ A girl sees a handsome football player and her heart skips a beat or two. Is that love? No, it’s simply physical attraction between a fellow and a girl.

Movies, television, magazines, and books constantly bombard us with this idea: ‘Find someone who turns you on, if you have a good sex life, that’s all that matters.’ The former school beauty queen marries the former captain of the football team and everybody sighs and says.

‘What a handsome couple!’

But in a short while, their marriage is broken. Why?

Because there was no real love between them. They were just sexually attracted to each other and had little in common besides this and soon became bored with each other. Remember, sexual attraction not love.

I have a non-Christian friend who has been in many relationships after her divorce and she is always asking why none of them ever go anywhere. Well after talking some more with her she revealed to me that she has sex with them on the first night of a date and if the sex doesn’t match up to her standard, she doesn’t see them anymore.

It’s not surprising that she doesn’t see them anymore, or more to the point they don’t want to see her anymore, because, from the outset, the standard and the relationship are built in and around sex and sex only. How sad!

There is a vital place in marriage for sexual attraction, but a marriage cannot be built on sexual attraction alone. There are couples by the thousands who could not or did not resist sexual involvement before they were married, but now they cannot stand to touch each other.

What Is Real Love?

‘Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail. Love is eternal.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Notice that the love described here is not a ‘fluffy, warm feeling’ kind of love. Real love has many qualities. It does contain the magical element of physical attraction, but it is a lot more than this. Love has roots in friendship, in true love, you love the total person.

You enjoy being with that person and sharing things with them. Real love is unselfish, it sacrifices for the one it loves, and it carries with it the vital quality of commitment.

It doesn’t give up or quit when problems come along. Real love will bring out the best in you and you want the one you love to be proud of you. If you are just infatuated with someone, you may ‘laze’ around and daydream, but if your love is real, you apply yourself to your work, you make plans, and you prepare for the future.

Real love is not just a wonderful feeling that strikes you suddenly. It takes time to grow and develop. Some of the most popular songs in the world of music give the wrong impression that falling in love with someone, at first sight, is real love.

You don’t ‘fall’ into real love, you grow into it. You have to know a person before you can love that person with real love.

It is impossible to truly know someone at first sight and it is likewise impossible to have a real love for someone at first sight. You may be attracted to someone, at first sight, you may even be ‘turned on’ by someone at first sight, but you cannot genuinely love a person whom you do not really know.

Precious love

Satan does not want you to know and experience true love, which is why he promotes all kinds of false love. He wants you to get involved in sex outside of marriage and he wants to generally mess up your life so that you think life is not worth living.

God, on the other hand, loves you supremely and desires only what is best for you. He wants you to have precious love, not cheap sex. If it is His will for you to be married, He has just the right person for you.

He wants you to have a mate who loves you unselfishly and is committed to you for life. And He likewise wants you to be committed to that person for life and He wants your home to be a little bit of Heaven on earth.

Your First Thoughts

Please write down your own thoughts on this part of the lesson whilst they are fresh in your mind.

Evaluation Questions

These questions are designed to help you think through the topic discussed so that you may have a true view of yourself.

1. What lessons have YOU learned from YOUR past mistakes?

2. In YOUR own words give an example and describe an infatuation?

3. In YOUR own words give an example and describe what lust is?

4. In YOUR own words give an example and describe how YOU would feel if YOU were sexually attracted to someone?

5. If YOU were in love, how would YOU know?

6. How would YOU show YOUR mate how precious YOUR love for them was?

Next Class

Dating and Non-Sexual Flirting Among Christian Singles

We will discuss: Dating and flirting among Christian singles can be fun, but what does God say? We will look at what is and isn’t acceptable especially concerning flirting especially if it’s done out of selfishness.

Next Class Preparation

Please read Luke 6:31 / Philippians 2:3-4 / 1 Timothy 5:2.

Go To Practical Singleness Lesson 10


"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."