The relationship between a husband and wife can be one of the greatest relationships we have. They can certainly bring out the worst in us, but they can also bring out the best in us.
We’ve looked at what makes a godly family successful, and we’ve looked at how husbands are to love their wives. In this lesson, we’re going to try to understand what it means for wives to submit to their husbands.
God decided that man needed some kind of companionship in this world, and when Adam couldn’t find it within the animal kingdom, God went on to create Eve from Adam. When Adam saw Eve for the first time, he said the following.
Adam says, ‘Here is someone like me, she’s a part of my body, my own flesh and bones. I’ll call her woman.’ Now we know the rest of the story: Eve fell for the serpent’s lies and ate from the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
She then offered some of the fruit to Adam, and he ate it, and so sin entered the world. We know that Satan was cursed by God, we know that Adam was punished by God, now look at what He said to Eve.
Remember what God said earlier.
Now look at how God went about creating Eve.
That word ‘rib’ is very misleading; the actual text literally says it was a shank, which was removed from Adam’s side. The point is that the woman wasn’t made out of an inferior substance; the woman was a part of him, a very important part of him.
God created an ‘ezer’, a helper for Adam. He didn’t create a slave, He didn’t create a servant. He created someone who would share in the responsibilities of life; he created them as equals.
Now remember, in many cultures, even today, women are treated no better than slaves. The Greeks believed, ‘we have courtesans for the sake of pleasure, we have concubines for the sake of daily cohabitation, and we have wives for the purpose of having children legitimately.’
A Greek author says this concerning Greek wives, ‘let her live that she might see as little as possible, hear as little as possible and ask as little as possible.’ You see, as far as the Greeks were concerned, a wife’s role was simply to run the house, take care of the children, while the husband enjoyed pleasure and companionship from someone else.
When the Romans came on the scene, their view of women wasn’t much better; they believed ‘women are married to be divorced.’ Under Roman law, a wife had no legal rights; everything she was and had came from her husband, and so, she was completely dependent on her husband.
Now, believe it or not, Hebrew women actually had it better than many other women in other cultures, but only just better. We know that by the time Christ came along, divorce was becoming rampant among the Jews, and all the rights lay with the man.
As I said, by the time Christ came along, the Jews were using that phrase ‘something indecent about her’ as an excuse for divorce. Some believed it meant adultery, others believed it meant if the wife had burned your dinner or gone out with their heads uncovered.
Others believed it meant that the husband found someone more attractive. And so, in the Jewish culture, a woman had more rights than a slave, but only just. Could this be the reason why Jesus’ treatment of women was so radical at the time?
Could this be why many of the Jewish leaders were taken aback, as Jesus had many women followers? Could this be why His disciples were surprised to find him talking with a Samaritan woman at the well? Could this be the reason why so many people were amazed that Jesus was willing to speak to Mary, Martha and Mary Magdalene?
Here’s a Jewish Rabbi who’s willing to speak to women, listen to women, heal women of their ailments, and forgive their sins. Make no mistake about it, the way Jesus interacted with women was totally radical for the time.
They were used to being treated like second-class citizens; they were used to being treated like slaves with virtually no rights. But here comes the Messiah who speaks to them and treats them like human beings. Now let’s go ahead and deal with the text I want to focus on.
Now this is a passage of Scripture that most husbands and wives are very familiar with. It’s the same words which Paul writes to the Colossian church in Colossians 3:18. I’m sure that most wives have heard this verse time and time again, and I’m sure that some of you may have husbands who remind you of this verse time and time again.
And husbands, I’m also sure that your wives have reminded you time and time again of what Paul says in Ephesians 5:25 about ‘loving your wives, just as Christ loved the church’.
And so, Paul says, if you want to have a great marriage, then both the husband and the wife must work together. The wife must submit to her husband, and the husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church at the same time.
Now let’s try to understand the historical context here in our text. Remember what I said earlier, the Greeks and the Romans didn’t see their wives as a person; they saw them as a piece of property. Their wives weren’t allowed to make decisions of their own, especially when it came to religion.
It was the husband who decided what everybody’s religion was going to be in their household. The wife had no rights whatsoever, and so, as far as the women, the children, and the slaves were concerned, they were just objects; they had no say in anything.
And so, we can imagine the impact the Gospel would have had in that society. Imagine the impact on the Jews as they are told that God loves the Gentiles as much as them!
Imagine the impact on the slaves as they are told that God loves them as much as their owners! Imagine the impact on the females as they are told that God loves them as much as the men! Imagine the impact the Gospel would have had in that society when Paul declares the following to the Galatians.
Now, for us today, we’ve heard this ever since we became Christians, but if you were a Christian living in the first century, this message would have sounded absolutely radical. I’m sure all the women and all the slaves couldn’t believe what Paul was preaching.
We can imagine them asking Paul, ‘Are you telling us we’re all one in Christ Jesus?’ I can imagine Paul saying, ‘Yes, you are, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female, you’re all one in Christ Jesus.’
Now, while the women and slaves are rejoicing at this good news, I can imagine the men in that society going absolutely nuts. If these women believe what this Paul guy says, they might think they are just as important as we are!
If these slaves believe what this Paul guy says, they might get too big for their boots, they might try and take over, and we men will lose control of our homes and eventually our society!
You see, that’s why Christianity was regarded as dangerous and rebellious at that time. And so, after declaring that all are one in Christ Jesus, Paul has to be very careful about how he teaches these women to enjoy their new freedom in Christ, whilst living within their culture. Look again at what Paul says.
Now, wives, I have some good news and bad news concerning this verse. The good news is that the word ‘submit’ isn’t in the original text. The bad news is that it should be, otherwise the text would make sense. Now, remember when the Bible was written, there were no chapters and verses, and so, let me read to you how it actually reads.
In other words, we don’t start with, ‘wives submit to your husbands’, we start with, ‘submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ And notice that Paul doesn’t say, ‘wives submit yourselves to your husbands,’ he says, ‘wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.’
Now put yourself in the place of a married woman living in Ephesus. Imagine you’re sitting there amongst the congregation and suddenly, you hear this letter being read out to everyone, and you realise that Paul is actually addressing you, as a woman!
I’m sure they would be thinking, at last, someone who actually recognises we exist! Someone who acknowledges that we’re smart enough to understand what he’s saying!
Now, remember, this kind of thing never happened before for women. Women were usually stuck at home taking care of the house and kids, with no rights or say in anything, she was just a piece of property. But now, they’re hearing this letter being read out, and they’re thinking, he’s actually writing to us!
Imagine being there when Paul’s words were being read out, and hearing those first few words, ‘wives, submit to your husbands’. We can almost imagine the women thinking, ‘oh here we go again, another man putting us back in our place where we belong!’ But then they hear the words, ‘as you do to the Lord.’
Now you may ask, what does that mean for the women? Well, it doesn’t mean they were to submit to their husbands because they have no choice. It simply means they’re to submit to their husbands, because the way they respond to their husbands is a powerful demonstration of their attitude towards their Lord.
You see, the husband has been given certain responsibilities within the marriage and family. And if the husband is fulfilling these responsibilities, then the wife is actually responding to the One who made him responsible.
Now I’m sure you would have noticed that I used the word ‘responsibility’ and not the word ‘authority’. Paul never says, ‘the husband is the authority figure in the home, who rules the family with an iron rod, and women better submit!’ He doesn’t say that, he doesn’t say that men are superior, and women are inferior.
He’s saying that a husband has been given responsibilities by God, and the wife simply needs to recognise those responsibilities and respond to them. When she recognises her husband’s God-given responsibilities and responds to them, it’s then that she’s submitting to her husband as to the Lord. And if there are any wives here today who are married to someone who isn’t a Christian, listen to what Peter writes to you.
Peter says, if you’re married to someone who isn’t a Christian, you can still submit to them by showing them what it means to submit to the Lord. And he says, you don’t even have to preach the Gospel to them, but you can show them the effect the Gospel has had on you. And who knows, because of your Christ-like behaviour, they may one day become Christians.
Now remember what the Gospel did for these women; they are now equal with men. She was created in God’s image, just like the men. She was saved in the same way the men were, in the waters of baptism; she has the gift of the Holy Spirit in her life, just like the men do.
As a man and a woman, they are fundamentally equal, but the husband has been given responsibilities by God, and wives need to recognise it. Now wives, you may ask the question, why, why should I submit to my husband?
Now, husbands, I want you to notice that Paul doesn’t say, ‘you’re the head of the family’, he doesn’t say, ‘you’re the head of the house’. Paul says the following.
Now I’m not going to say too much on this verse because we’ll deal with it in more detail in the next lesson. But I will say this, the word ‘head’ here doesn’t mean authority as it’s used elsewhere.
The word ‘head’ in this verse speaks about the source, the source that brings wellbeing, the source of supplying one’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs. In other words, God has given the husband the responsibility of providing for his wife’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
Let me ask you wives, does your husband help meet those needs in your life, or is he just ruling the roost and treating you like a slave with no rights? Let me ask you, husbands, does your wife recognise your God-given responsibilities, or does she just moan at you every chance she gets?
Let me ask you both, do you recognise that it was God who brought you together and joined you both in marital union, and now the two of you have become one? You see, when people get married, they become one, but they both have different roles within that marriage relationship. And when both couples recognise those roles and accept them, that’s called submitting to one another.
God wants nothing but the best for both the husband and the wife. Which means the husband should want nothing but the best for his wife, and the wife should want nothing but the best for her husband. And the only way you can really get the best out of each other is by submitting to the Lord and each other.
Before we finish, let me share with you wives, three practical pieces of advice on how to be the kind of wife God wants you to be. If you want to be the kind of wife God expects you to be, then God says, ‘you shouldn’t quarrel with your husband’.
Have you ever spent the night in a hotel room and your lying-in bed trying to get some sleep, but all you hear is drip, drip, drip, coming from the gutter outside the bedroom window? I mean, it’s one of the most annoying noises we have to listen to, especially when you’re tired.
God doesn’t want quarrelsome wives. Now, don’t misunderstand what the text is saying here; it’s not saying it’s wrong to have quarrels within your marriage. But it is saying that quarrelling constantly isn’t healthy in any marriage. Solomon says, trying to restrain a quarrelsome woman is like trying to restrain the wind by grasping after it.
You see, when a wife just nags and nags at her husband, all she does is distance her husband from herself. All quarrelling does is divide what God has joined together, and so wives, ask yourself, ‘Are you like a leaky roof which constantly does nothing but nag at your husband?
If you are, then let me encourage you to stop constantly quarrelling with him and be the kind of wife God wants you to be. Love your husband, respect your husband and encourage him to be the kind of husband God wants him to be. If you want to be the kind of wife God expects you to be, then God says, ‘you shouldn’t be an embarrassment to your husband’.
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched some of these reality TV programmes where you have a variety of people living together for a period of time. Big Brother was very popular a few years ago, especially with the younger audience, but what really amazes me about that programme is the behaviour of some of them. You had young women who were married, but when they got drunk, their behaviour changed, and they started flirting and kissing other men.
Imagine if you were married to one of those young women, and you watched your wife on national television getting drunk, flirting and kissing other men!
Solomon says, when a wife conducts herself with integrity, she gains the pride of her husband, but a disrespectful wife is an embarrassment to her husband. A wife who behaves embarrassingly divides what God has joined together, and so wives, ask yourself, ‘Are you an embarrassment to your husband, or does your lifestyle reflect respect for him? If you want to be the kind of wife God expects you to be, then God says, ‘Show a good example to other women.’
Notice the responsibilities the older women have for teaching the younger women within the church. The older women are to teach the younger women not to be slanderers and not to be addicted to much wine. In other words, the older women are to teach the younger women how to be self-controlled.
Wives, ask yourselves, are you teaching the young women of this church how to love their husbands? Are you teaching the young women of this church how to love their children? Is your life as a Christian wife showing the young women of this church how to act with dignity and self-control?
Is your life as a Christian wife showing the young women of this church how to live pure and holy lives? Are you showing them what it means to take care of your home, your husband and your children?
When the young women of this church speak with you and watch how you interact with others, do they see kindness in everything you do? Are you showing them what submitting to your husband means, so that they can see what a godly home looks like and functions?
Paul says the reason your example as a Christian wife to other women is so important is simply that your life brings glory to God. Let me encourage you wives, not to submit yourselves to your husbands, but to ‘submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord,’ Ephesians 5:22.