Husbands, there’s no better way to keep your marriage alive than starting and ending each day by giving your wife a kiss. And husbands, there’s no quicker way to kill your marriage than kissing your neighbour’s wife.
When I was asked to write on this topic, my first thought was, oh no, I’m going to be preaching to myself again and I’m going to be reminded of my own failings. But then I thought, if all husbands are honest with themselves, we would all admit that there have been times when we’ve all miserably failed in loving our wives.
People often ask, what’s the secret to a good marriage? Some say, tell each other you love each other daily. Some say, always put your spouse’s needs before your own. Some say, talk to one another as best friends.
Some say, always be ready to say sorry after a fight. But there is no secret, God, through His Word, tells us everything we need to have a great, long-lasting marriage. You see, marriage is all about love. Notice what Paul says.
Paul says, marriage is all about love, but sadly, some men really struggle to express their love towards their wives. I know of a man who was brought up in a home where love didn’t seem to exist.
All he remembers from his childhood was his father treating his mum abusively and himself being beaten up. He never heard the words, ‘I love you’ throughout his childhood, and he never heard his father telling him he loved him until he was thirty years old.
Now, the reason I shared that with you is that some men haven’t had a godly father in their lives; they’ve never seen an example of what loving your wives is all about. The good news is, the Bible gives us the greatest example of all, of how husbands are to love their wives.
1. ‘Husbands must love their wives sacrificially’.
You may not have had a good example of being a loving husband, but Paul just gave you the greatest example you will ever need to help make your marriage a success.
‘Love your wife like Christ loved the church,’ and how did He demonstrate His love for the church? You know what ‘He gave Himself up for her’ means, don’t you? It means He died for her, He sacrificed Himself for her, He shed His own blood for her.
Paul says that if husbands want successful marriages, they must look to Christ and what He did by going to the cross of Calvary. When we look at the Christ, we see an example of self-sacrificial love, we see Him dying to self, we see Him dying to selfish ambition.
And let me say this, husbands, if your marriage is failing, you need to get back to the cross and carefully look at what Christ did for His church and follow His example of how to love your wife.
Husbands, ask yourself, when was the last time you sacrificed something meaningful to you for your wife? I’m not talking about giving up the T.V remote one night a week. I’m not talking about taking her out for a meal to save her from cooking. I’m talking about sacrificing something which means so much to you for your wife.
In the film ‘Fireproof’, Caleb and Catharine Holt aren’t Christians, and they have major marriage problems, and they’re ready to divorce, and so Caleb’s father gets involved and gives Caleb a forty-day Christian love dare before they divorce.
He gets to day twenty-eight, and the love dare was this: ‘What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse’s life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, the purpose is to do what you can to meet the need.’
The text for him to read was 1 John 3:16 ‘He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.’ Later in the film, Catherine becomes ill, and so Caleb goes all out to look after her.
He confesses that his attitude and behaviour towards her was terrible and tells her he was sorry for the way he treated her, but it wasn’t until later in the film that we see that he met his wife’s greatest need.
Caleb had been saving up for years to buy a large yacht, because this was all he cared about; this was his life’s project, but he sacrificed all of his own life savings in order to buy some special mobility equipment, so that Catherine’s mum could have a better quality of life.
Now, husbands, we must be willing to sacrifice things which are very personal to us, in order to love our wives as Christ loved His church.
2. ‘Husbands must love their wives intentionally and with a purpose’.
Christ’s dying on the cross wasn’t an accident; it was intentional. He died with a purpose in mind.
You see, husbands are to intentionally love their wives; they are to purposely love their wives. Christ loved the church because He wants her to be holy, He wants her to be radiant, He wants her to be blameless.
Ask yourself, as the head of your wife, do you encourage her to live right for God? Do you encourage holy living within your home? Do you talk and discuss the Bible and spiritual things together?
Remember the day you got married, and you saw your wife walking down that aisle, didn’t she look radiant? You didn’t notice any wrinkles or blemishes because you were too busy looking at her beauty. Maybe your first thoughts were like Adam’s when he first saw Eve.
Do you know what Adam is saying? He’s saying, Wow! She’s beautiful, she’s absolutely gorgeous. When was the last time you told your wife she looks gorgeous? Now, in a marriage relationship, we all have our faults; we all know that no one is blameless.
I remember a few years ago, I was counselling a couple who had major issues in their relationship. After some counselling, the young couple said, ‘We want to have a relationship like we do’, thinking that our relationship was perfect.
I said, ‘That’s impossible,’ and the main reason it was impossible to have a relationship like we do was simply that they didn’t have God at the centre of their relationship. You see, marriage isn’t just about two people; it’s about three people.
If husbands want their wives to be like Christ wants His church, then we must remember to keep God in the middle of our marriages. Now, the husband might put strain on that marriage, the wife might put strain on that marriage, but if God Almighty is intertwined within that marriage, it makes it a lot harder to break. There’s strength in marriages when God is in the middle of them.
3. ‘Husbands must see their wives as part of their bodies’.
Earlier, Paul also said the following.
Paul says that ‘the body is the church’ which would include husbands, your Christian wives. But also notice that Paul says that ‘the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church’.
The last time I looked, everyone I know has a body attached to their heads. And the wonderful thing is that we don’t treat our bodies like we do with our clothes, we don’t take them off at night and place them in the washing basket.
Husbands, if you’re the head of your wife, do you see her as your body? You know, we men are really good at trying to do things on our own; that’s why we never read the instructions before trying to build a coffee table.
That’s why, when things break down in the house, we say, ‘Just leave it to me, I’ll fix it.’ That’s why some men think a little bedroom action is the best place to fix their marital problems.
A little bedroom action is like putting a plaster over a gaping wound; it might temporarily cure your marriage problems, but it won’t permanently cure your deep marriage problems.
Before I became a Christian, I used to hear guys say, ‘I’m going home to make love to my wife.’ Listen, we don’t make love ‘to’ anyone, we make love ‘with’ someone. Husbands, Paul is saying, a head without a body is no good to anyone, a body without a head is absolutely useless.
Married couples often refer to each other as the ‘other half’, and for good reason. A dear friend of mine was visiting his wife in the hospital, and as he was leaving, he said to the nurse, ‘Look after her for me, that’s a part of me lying there’, to which his wife said, ‘Half dear, half’.
Now that the word ‘rib’ is very misleading, it was actually a shank that God removed from Adam’s side to create Eve. But whether it was a rib or a shank, the point is that she was part of him, an important part of him.
Husbands, we must see our wives not only as part of the body of Christ but as part of them. They are our ‘other half’, and we must see our wives as an important part of our bodies.
But let me ask the wives here today, is that how your husband treats you or does he detach himself from you sometimes? He’s the head, and you’re his body, but there are times you feel like you’re not working together. You’re the one who gets up early every Sunday morning to get the kids ready for worship.
You’re the one who gets the kids’ breakfast ready and packs lunch for them before they go to school. You’re the one who makes the dinner, washes the dishes and puts them away. You’re the one who irons the clothes and changes the bed sheets. And if you have kids, you’re the one who was the toxic waste disposer.
As a wife, you feel like you’re detached because you’re getting no help from your husband. Listen, husbands, wives don’t do all those things because they want to, they don’t do all those things because it’s their ‘job’, they do them because they know they need to be done. Husbands, we need to step up, and wives, you need to remind us to step up.
Sometimes us men get so busy doing a thousand other things, and we jump up at a moment’s notice to help other people out, to such an extent that we neglect our own home. We need to help each other, support each other, and encourage each other, all of which is driven by Christ’s love for His church.
Paul more or less says the same thing, regarding how the father should treat his kids.
Husbands, we need to treat our wives and children right; we need to give our wives the respect they deserve.
Do you know what the number one killer of any marriage is? Do you know what causes marriages to end in divorce more than anything else? It’s selfishness. God says that if husbands don’t treat their wives with respect, He won’t answer their prayers. If husbands don’t see their wives as heirs of this wonderful life, God won’t answer their prayers.
Is that how we see our wives? Do we listen to her wise judgments? Abraham did because God told him to, he says to Abraham.
Did you see what God said? He told Abraham to ‘listen to whatever Sarah tells him.’ A husband and wife were at home one night watching ‘Murder on the Orient Express’, and as usual, they were talking about who they thought the murderer was.
The wife said, ‘I think Silvester Stallone is the murderer’. The husband looked at her and said, ‘That’s the dumbest thing you’ve said today, Silvester Stallone isn’t even in the film,’ and his wife said, ‘I know, but that’s the perfect alibi, isn’t it!’
Christ-driven husbands will take the time to actually listen to their wives, not put them down or make fun of them. Christ-driven husbands will see their wives as the most valuable thing in the world. Christ-driven husbands will see their wives as an irreplaceable part of their lives.
And remember, just because she submits to you as her husband, that doesn’t mean she’s your personal slave. Peter says husbands are to be considerate of their wives and treat them with respect, 1 Peter 3:7.
In other words, husbands need to consider their wives’ needs, consider her desires, consider her feelings and thoughts and respect her in all things, respect her opinions, respect everything she does and says.
Are you one of those husbands who gets so engrossed in watching a T.V programme, or is too busy thinking about something, that your wife could be trying to have a conversation with you, but you don’t hear a word she’s saying?
There have been times when my wife has gone out of the house to get some shopping, that I never even felt her kiss me on the cheek or heard her say, ‘I’ll see you when I get back.’
Husbands, the only way to understand her better is by putting down that mobile phone, switching off the T.V. and spending more time paying attention to and listening to your wife. Marriage is about togetherness, completeness, oneness; it’s about ‘us’.
4. ‘Husbands need to keep studying their wives.’
Now I don’t know about you, but I like to try to take care of myself. I don’t eat much veg, I don’t eat much fruit, and I don’t do much exercise. I shower at least once a month and try to shave at least twice a week. And over the years, I’ve noticed some changes; I’ve got more wrinkles, and I’ve got less hair.
You see, before most people get married, there’s usually a courting period which takes place first. It’s then that we study each other’s spiritual character, we study each other’s humour, we study each other’s mannerisms and let’s be honest, we study each other’s physical bodies. But after we’ve been married for a few years, we stop studying each other.
Husbands, when was the last time you studied your wife? Yes, Solomon is speaking in physical terms, but Paul is speaking in physical and spiritual terms. He’s saying, if Christ provides everything the church needs, He feeds her, He blesses her, and He protects her, then husbands should do the same with their wives.
What Christ provides for you as a Christian husband, you should provide for your Christian wife. If you’re so important to Christ, then your wife should be just as important to you.
Paul, quoting from Genesis 2:24, tells us that when a man and a woman come together in marriage, they become one. And he uses that text to describe Christ’s relationship with His church; they have become one.
He again reminds husbands that they should protect, defend and provide for their wives, just as Christ does for His church. And if the husband does all these things, then his wife will truly respect him for it. But that will only happen when the husband and the wife remember the words of Solomon.
Someone once said that ‘The Song of Songs’ is the one book of the Bible dedicated solely to romantic love. They go on to say, ‘Isn’t it ironic that its initials are SOS!’ Husbands, your wives need to know that she’s not just your wife; she needs to know that she’s the wife of a man who treasures her and builds her up.
You see, we men aren’t very good at demonstrating our love sometimes. Yes, we’ll remember the wedding anniversary card, yes, we may take our wives out for a romantic meal from time to time.
But it’s usually the woman who recognises that it’s the little things in a marriage that are really important. Sometimes husbands don’t recognise those little things because we’ve come to take them for granted.
Things like saying, ‘thank you, I really appreciate every single thing you do for me’. ‘Thank you for supper, thank you for washing my clothes, thank you for doing the weekly shopping.’ Or maybe saying ‘I love you’, has become just second nature, and we don’t stop long enough to hear our wives tell us that they love us.
Years ago, when they used to have public telephones which needed an operator to connect you. A salesman called his wife, and when they finished the conversation, and said good-bye he said goodbye and put the receiver back down.
As he was walking away, the phone rang, and so he went back and answered it, expecting to be informed of some extra charges for using the phone. But the operator said, ‘I thought you’d like to know. Just after you hung up, your wife said, ‘I love you.’
As husbands, we often finish our wives’ thoughts for her because we think we know what they’re thinking, but we really need to let her learn to allow them to finish what they’re saying.
You see, when God wanted to let the world know that He loves us, He could have shouted it from the heavens, or He could have just sent another prophet to tell us. But He didn’t, He sent His Son, He came in the flesh to die on the cross and with His dying breath.
Before Christ died on the cross, He proclaimed to the world, ‘This is how much I love you.’ Husbands, saying ‘I love you’ to your wife means nothing unless you show them that you love them.
Now I know this lesson has been specifically addressing husbands, but all those who are Christians need to remind themselves that we all have families. And Christian families need to show the world what a godly family home looks like, because the world is in desperate need of an example to follow.
I’m not saying that all Christian homes are perfect, because they’re not. I’m not saying that all Christian homes don’t have their problems, because they do. I’m saying if your marriage is struggling, or if your family home isn’t how it should be or could be, then why not ask yourself a few simple questions as to why that is?
Do you regularly discuss the Bible and spiritual things with your spouse and family, or does that only happen during worship? Does the love of God shine in your home, and is shown in the way you treat your spouse and your family, or do you treat your spouse and family differently from the way you treat your church family?
As a father, are you demonstrating real, strong faith to your wife and family, or are you being a hypocrite by saying one thing but practising another? As a mother, are you showing your husband and children the way of God, or is your family life all about you and getting your needs met?
As parents, are you showing your children what a godly marriage and family looks like, or are you too busy fighting with each other to even notice? If you’re struggling in your marriage relationship or your home life, then why not pray what B. B. McKinney prayed when he penned the words to ‘God give us Christian homes.’