This week’s lesson will be a continuation of the last lesson. We were dealing with the very destructive emotion of anger. In this lesson, we want to cover some areas we did not cover in the last lesson. To begin with, let’s consider some additional sources which can bring us emotional pain.
1. There are Judases who pretend to be your friend, but when they turn their backs, they will sell out for minor considerations.
This can hurt deeply. Think how Jesus must have felt when Judas betrayed him. Here was a man who had been with the Lord for over three years. One of the select twelve.
He was trusted with keeping the expense money for their trips. Now he betrays the Lord. It must have hurt deeply. After all, Jesus had emotions and feelings just like we do. What do you do with a person like this?
Sometimes there is very little you can do. The main thing to remember is that this person has a real problem. He is really to be pitied. People like this need to be rescued from themselves, even though what they have done hurts deeply.
2. There are unfaithful friends who will desert you at a critical time.
The disciples forsook Jesus and fled at his trial, but he saw them after the resurrection and dealt kindly with them. You know it hurt deeply to see them run away.
They were very weak, much weaker than they realised. They needed help, and Jesus was able to restore them. We see them later on as much stronger men willing to suffer for the Lord. Jesus’ patience with them paid off.
3. There are those who, like Peter, are too weak to acknowledge you.
Peter denied the Lord. He said, “I do not know the man.” Matthew 26:72. After Jesus was raised, he sought out Peter and restored him. Often, friends are loyal under fair skies but will deny you in the hour of trial.
It seems from the many examples we have of Jesus in the Gospels that he was more willing to forgive and to forget than to condemn. He was not cruel, harsh, stern, exacting, or unrelenting in his dealings with sinful man. If you and I are to follow Jesus, we too must be forgiving toward others.
This does not mean you deny the pain. Sure, it hurts. But seek them out, don’t hate them. Try to restore your friendship. Don’t take their actions so much as an affront toward you, but see that the real problem is with them and not with you. Actually, they need help. Try to restore your friendship.
4. Then there are those like Pilate who are too cowardly to defend your innocence.
This always hurts. However, Jesus did not deal harshly with the Governor. He knew Pilate for what he was and that under the circumstances, Pilate acted like a typical politician in that day. He knew Pilate was a crowd pleaser who had no real convictions. Pilate was to be pitied, not hated.
5. Also, there are those who are like the executioners who will nail you to a cross of shame.
There is always someone who may smear your good name. It hurts. You don’t deserve this. Why would they do such a thing? What good can it do them? Some people are just hard to figure out.
The kind of person who would do this has a real problem, like the other types we have discussed. Again, he is to be pitied. You will help him if you can. Jesus set an example for us.
When Jesus uttered this cry, his hands and feet were fastened to the cross by large Roman nails driven by the very ones for whom he prayed. They also placed a crown of thorns upon his head, lashed his body with a whip and laughingly mocked him.
Isn’t it amazing that his first words are not in complaint, nor a plea of his innocence, nor even a cry for vengeance? Instead, it was a prayer for their forgiveness. The verb is imperfect, thus literally, “he kept on saying, Father forgive them, they know not what they do,” Luke 23:34.
We are left with the impression that with each indignity the Lord repeated his prayer on behalf of his tormentors. Surely I can bring myself to forgive things of a lesser nature if my Lord could forgive his executioners.
6. There are those who have fallen into some immorality.
This not only hurts but also disappoints us. But don’t be indignant, thinking you would never do such a shameful thing. We are all capable of doing immoral things. Have a forgiving spirit.
Go to the person and encourage him to leave his sin. Jesus ate with sinners, and as a result, many followed him into his kingdom. One of the most difficult scriptures in the Bible for Christians to obey is found in Matthew.
The reason this passage is so difficult to obey is that it is very difficult for many of us to forgive. The natural tendency is to get back at the person who has injured you.
Even when we say we forgive many times, we are not willing to forget, and thus we harbour ill feelings inside of us for years. This is wrong, and we only hurt ourselves.
Seemingly, the only motive for retaining anger is the motive of vengeance. Obviously, this is a very vain motive. The Bible gives us some good advice about vengeance.
We must leave all vengeance to God. It is his prerogative, not ours. We need to stay out of God’s business. It is unfortunate that we humans spend so much of our time trying to play God in various ways.
An unforgiving spirit makes us unlovely and leads to a spirit of bitterness, resentment and anger. They don’t usually stay hidden. They boil over at times and tend to ruin our disposition. It robs us of peace of mind. Even a small hurt, left unforgiven, can develop into a terrible spiritual cancer eating away at us until our lives are bitter and ruined.
The unwillingness to forgive poisons memories, strains relationships with others, and even blocks our communication with God. On the other hand, forgiveness indicates the touch and reign of Jesus in our hearts. It sets Christianity apart from the rest of the world’s religions.
Just stop and think for a moment. There is really nothing you can ever do which would enable you to pay back the debt which you owe for God’s Son dying on the cross for your sins.
God could, in perfect justice, strike every person dead and condemn us to an eternal hell for all our sins. It is only because he is merciful, loving and longsuffering that he forgives.
Read John 3:16, and as you read, meditate on the force of what it is saying to you. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son.” God loved a sinful and destitute world so much that he let His Son bear our guilt and pay for our debt, although we are the ones who should have hung on that cross.
Surely if God could be so forgiving of so much, we can forgive things that are small in comparison to what God has had to forgive us of? Many will say that you cannot forgive another person until he first repents and asks you for forgiveness. This argument will not hold up.
When the Lord prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing,” Luke 23:34, they had not yet repented. It is evident that Christ, in his human state, forgave even though they did not deserve forgiveness. God may not choose to forgive until there is repentance, but that is God’s business.
We are to forgive, even pray for, our enemies. Consider how our Lord treated Peter. There is no indication that Peter sought out the Lord to ask for forgiveness, yet Christ was forgiving and dealt very gently with his sin.
Have you ever had anyone who has done you a wrong come to you asking for forgiveness? It probably would be a rare situation with most of us. How many times have our children wronged us but never repented or asked forgiveness?
Did we refuse to forgive them? How many times have we wronged others but never confessed our wrong and asked for forgiveness? Human pride is overpoweringly strong. It is hard to face up to all our faults.
We want others to be forgiving toward us, even if we have not asked for it. We should be willing to do the same for them. We must forgive even if the one being forgiven does not deserve it.
Now do some serious meditating on the verses in this lesson for a while.
In your prayer time, ask God to help you be forgiving. He will. By now, we assume you are doing some talking with someone as suggested in the previous chapters. It is very important that you do this. Don’t put it off any longer.
Write down now any grudges, old or new, you may have and have failed to work through them with prayer and forgiveness. After writing them down, begin to mark them off one by one as you free yourself from the unnecessary emotional pain they have caused you.
Closely associated with the emotional pain of anger is the pain of guilt. The feeling of guilt can be very beneficial as a deterrent to sin. However, an overworked or unrealistic guilt can be very harmful. In fact, it can be devastating. It is said that guilt is at the bottom of every unresolved emotional problem.
When we violate our internal code of life, we can become haunted, weakened, angered, depressed, sickened and finally destroyed by it. In a dysfunctional home, a child from birth until grown will record thousands of negative messages in his or her subconscious mind.
Rarely do they receive commendation and approval. Even friends can be cruel. Children give labels such as “shorty”, “fatso”, etc. They often ostracise another child.
All these experiences translate into a feeling, “I’m inferior, I can’t do anything right, I am not what I ought to be.” Children often feel guilt when parents die or when a divorce takes place. “If it were not for me, this would not have happened. So I must be bad for them. I’m no good.” While all of this is unrealistic guilt, nevertheless, it is guilt.
When filled with guilt, whether realistic or unrealistic, a destructive process often sets in. It is a universal law that the violation of the law demands punishment.
We also learned from our parents that wrongdoing deserves punishment. There is the implication that since God does not seem to be punishing me, then I must take matters into my own hands by punishing myself.
Sometimes the punishment is for the sake of receiving forgiveness. Again, there may be the subconscious feeling that I do not deserve forgiveness, and punishment becomes a continuous process. These lost, submerged feelings of guilt that cannot be remembered often pollute the physical body. Psychosomatic disorders most likely will emerge.
Anything that has the power to distress the mind has the power to distress the body. One can become ill over an extended period of time as an organ becomes either overactive or underactive. Though we may no longer remember the experience that produced guilt, the feelings are ongoing, keeping the body in a mild state of stress.
This stress can cause a chemical imbalance, making the body more susceptible to germs and viruses. It is estimated that half the beds in hospitals in the U.S. are filled with patients who are ill from emotionally oriented sources. What then is the solution to the pain of guilt?
Love is the greatest healing power on the face of the earth. Forgiveness is one of the great gifts of God’s love, which he offers to every person. It is in his nature to forgive. Love expressed as forgiveness has the power to set one free from all his or her guilt.
Forgiveness says, “You are free. There is no resentment felt toward you. You are absolved from indebtedness. Your penalty is lifted. You are pardoned.” Your response must be, “I know I am pardoned, not let off on good behaviour, but truly pardoned.” Not only must you believe it, but you must come to feel it.
The heart of the gospel of Christ is forgiveness. This is why it is good news. Thus, you are free from the curse you have placed on yourself. You are no longer condemned by the little god you have made of yourself, with full authority to condemn and punish.
A child grows emotionally in a healthy way within a climate of love. Loved, he or she learns to love others. Feeling loved by parents, he or she will begin to feel loved by God and then will feel worthy of loving self. Parental attitudes toward children will usually determine the attitude they feel they deserve to hold toward themselves.
If you came from a dysfunctional home, then you were probably not brought up in a climate of love but were surrounded by all kinds of negative messages, which translated into a false concept about yourself.
When a Christian has realistic guilt where the sin is obvious and known, then he or she should repent and make the wrong right as much as is possible. As Christians, we all sin, for none of us is perfect.
How wonderful to have this assurance. Most Christians know and feel this and thus do what John instructs them to do. The problem lies with the Christian who has unrealistic guilt.
It is often difficult for some Christians to forgive themselves, even though God may have already forgiven them. It will be very helpful at this point for us to see what the apostle John says.
Most sincere Christians walk in the light (God’s righteousness, His law, His will). Certainly not in a perfect way, but overall, their lives are lived in conformity with God’s will. Such action results in fellowship with the Lord.
The comforting thing is that as long as we keep on walking in that “light”, the blood of Christ will literally keep on cleansing us of our imperfections. This should be a very comforting scripture to those who have unrealistic guilt.
You should not only believe this passage, but you should also feel this truth in your daily life. Feeling this is very important in recovery from emotional scars that come from dysfunctional homes. However, even after reading the above scriptures, you may still have some difficulty feeling it. What are you to do?
If our hearts have difficulty feeling forgiven, then just remember that God’s word is greater than what our feelings tell us. Thus, make yourself believe what God has said rather than what you feel. There are other positive affirmations written to faithful Christians.
Read slowly and carefully the following.
After reading these scriptures, stop and think. Do these verses apply to you? Do you strive overall to keep God’s commands, although you cannot always keep them perfectly?
If you are a faithful Christian, certainly you are serious about obeying the Lord. Obviously, you want to do what is right. You desire to walk in the light, and God promises you salvation.
Read and reread all these verses in this week’s chapter. Do this every day and meditate on each one. Do what Isaiah
Advises.
God wants to do for you that which you cannot do for yourself. He asks that you let him justify you. It is your responsibility to trust God that he will do this. We have no right to deny him the bestowing of his grace. When I see that I am loved just as I am, something clicks inside, something happens, something seems to die, my self-hatred.
If you are loved by your Creator, then why should you hate yourself and refuse to forgive yourself? You no longer need to punish yourself. With His love, God has destroyed your need to destroy yourself. Ask God to help you believe and to feel these truths.
But what if you are not a Christian and you realise the above blessings are for Christians only? You too can become a Christian. The New Testament teaches that you must believe in Jesus Christ, repent of your sins, and confess Christ.
Then be baptised for the remission of your sins. Immersion symbolises the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ; the death of self and sin, your burial of the old man, and your resurrection to a new life.
Now read the following verses.
You too can be free from all guilt. Why not now? If you are a Christian you need to sort out unrealistic guilt from real guilt. Make two lists below. In one write down all the unrealistic guilt you have felt. You can now be free from them forever.
Next write out a list of real guilt. If you have a list of real guilt that has not been taken care of then follow the instruction of 1 John 1:8-9 (see above), and lay aside once and for all your guilt.
More people suffer from depression than all other emotional problems. A large number of Americans will suffer from clinical depression sometime during their life time.
Conservative estimates say that 8% of the population will suffer from severe depression in their lifetime It is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. It is often said that physical pain is easier to endure than the mental pain of depression.
Depression is the leading cause of suicide. It is estimated that 15% of those depressed will eventually commit suicide. There are 24,000 deaths each year from suicide and the biggest percentage of these are teens.
Of those who attempt suicide only about one out of ten are successful in taking their lives. Depression then is not to be lightly regarded but is a serious matter. Depression is more than a bout of the “blues”, a limited dip in mood that lifts within a few days, and which everyone experiences from time to time.
The following are signs of depression.
1. Frequent crying. 2. Feeling sad and blue. 3. A feeling of hopelessness. 4. No motivation. 5. Life does not seem worth living. 6. A change in sleep patterns. 7. Irritability.
8. Anxious. 9. Less energy. 10. Morning worst part of the day. 11. Given to introspection. 12. Low self-concept. 13. Worry about the past. 14. Loss of interest in things once enjoyed. 15. Physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, headaches, upset stomach, rapid pulse, etc.
We all experience grief from time to time. This should not be confused with depression. However if grief does not soon pass, it can develop and turn into depression.
Most of the time we recover from grief. It is usually not long-lasting. In contrast depression can last indefinitely if not treated. The importance of grief will treated in the next lesson as it is something that should not be ignored.
Psychiatrists are now sure that biochemical disruptions in the brain are linked to depression. In particular, Neurotransmitters, chemical messengers that relay impulses from one nerve cell to another, are believed to be off balance.
To date, three neurotransmitters have been shown to be altered in depression: serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. An insufficient amount of one or more of these chemicals is thought to lead to depression.
Talking to a good therapist can be very effective in milder forms of depression but in cases of severe depression, medication with one of the antidepressants is advised.
They seem to work by restoring the proper balance of neurotransmitters in the brain. These are not habit forming drugs as some seem to have a misconception of. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You treat this just as you would treat high blood pressure, a heart condition, etc.
Until recently depression was more or less isolated from other emotional problems and treated as a distinct disease. While chemical imbalances in the brain have a direct relationship to depression yet it is recognised now that depression can be just one of many addictive processes which we use to cover up our emotional pain from the past.
As pointed out in previous lessons it has been known for some time that anger can be at the bottom of depression. This is why we placed the lesson on anger before discussing depression.
Anger, most of the time, is internalised, and it is either directed toward ourselves, others or even toward God. Sometimes it may be a combination of two or even all three of them. Until one can verbalize their anger, analyse and resolve it they will continue to be depressed.
From early childhood we have been taught to stuff our anger and never show it. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways of showing anger but because we showed it inappropriately we were punished, which reinforced the idea of never expressing it.
In fact we may have been taught that anger is a sin and when anger is expressed, one has done an awful thing. As a result grudges and feelings of anger were stuffed thus buried deep in the subconscious mind. You reach the point where you are not even aware of the hidden anger that has been buried deep inside of you.
It is very important that you understand that your anger is at the subconscious level. This is why you are not aware of it. Yet it is always there in your subconscious. Not only is it there but it is directed toward someone.
As we noticed in the chapter on anger you have to go back over your past life and try and recall those incidents that at the time were oppressive and humiliating to you. This is not a pleasant thing to do but once you can get at the source then you can begin to heal.
Anger is always produced by something. It usually locks into such things as fear, threat, rejection, betrayal, failure, being ignored, etc. So it is not enough just to recognize your anger and verbalize it but you need to go deeper and find its cause. Once the cause has been recognized and validated then you can deal with it realistically and finally neutralise it
Parents who are overly strict can cause low self-esteem to develop in their children. The child assumes his parents are correct and blames himself for failing to be what they want him to be.
As he grows older, this false guilt grows until he becomes angry at himself. He often feels inferior to others, which can add to his anger. All the time, this anger is internalised below the conscious level.
The perfectionist also falls into this classification. This is the dedicated person who is a workaholic. In later life, he can become overwhelmed with anger toward himself for not being perfect. Many professionals fall into this category. Only when a person recognises his pent-up anger can he solve his depression.
He needs to verbalise it, analyse it and forgive himself for not being perfect and then quit holding grudges against himself. No one has a right to condemn himself. Only God has that right.
We need to leave judging and condemning to God alone. Just forgive yourself for not being perfect, for not reaching the demands and expectations of your parents when you were growing up.
We often have pent-up anger toward others. Because of our feelings of inferiority, we often resent others. There are times when we are wronged by others. Sometimes we only imagine we have been wronged. A study of Matthew tells us what to do with anger against others.
Another passage that needs to be considered is found in James.
You need to verbalise your anger and hurt toward the person you have anger toward. You attempt to reconcile the differences. This involves forgiveness even if you do not feel that the person deserves forgiveness. One may have pent-up anger against a marriage mate.
This should be resolved. Often in later life, we may discover we have pent-up anger toward our parents or others we have been associated with in the past. You must forgive them. Only then can depression be relieved. This is true even if they are dead and completely out of your life.
Revealing your anger and hurt to a person is what is called confrontation. In confrontation, you simply let the other person know what has happened and how it has hurt you.
It is not an attempt to get even or to give a bawling out to someone for what they have done. It is being honest about your feelings and how they have hurt your relationships with that person.
It may seem strange that anyone would ever be angry toward God, but it often happens. You may or may not even be aware of it. When there has been a tragedy, sickness or death, we often blame God.
“After all, he is God, and he could have prevented or corrected the situation if he had wanted to.” Anger toward God happens frequently to the legalist who feels God requires too much of him.
Ministers often unconsciously have anger toward God because they can’t be all they think God requires of them. We need to confess our anger to God and ask him to forgive us and help us to resolve it.
We do not forgive God for anything, for God has done nothing wrong. Instead, we are thankful to God for understanding our feelings and teaching us to love and forgive.
The above material may seem like an oversimplification of what causes depression. However, if you discover your anger and who it is directed toward, and then forgive, you will be surprised how your depression will subside.
In 1 John 4:20-21, we have some very strong language about this whole matter of forgiveness. It may jar you a little, but read and reread it and then do what it says.
This is what the Greeks called “agape” love. It is unconditional love. It is giving love without any strings attached. This verse does not imply we suddenly become affectionate toward someone, but it means we would do what is best for that person, and one of the best things you can do is forgive.
Reread this chapter daily this week and do a lot of meditating and praying. This is a choice you and you alone can make. It may not seem easy for many, but it is the wise choice and a choice that will pay big dividends.
Here are two more verses for you to meditate on.
We have reached a critical point in these studies. Depression is the one disorder that hurts so much. If you have been diligently reading these chapters and following the instructions, in all probability, you are experiencing depression. Therefore, it requires that you put forth your best efforts and follow the instructions you are given.
You have been taking a step one week at a time. Now you are ready to confront your depression. This is a big step. You may want to spend more than a week working on it. Read, meditate, pray, recall the past, verbalise it, and be forgiving.
Confide in that friend you feel comfortable talking with, that you trust, who is a good listener and who will keep your conversations confidential. Happiness and peace of mind are a choice. It is your choice. Here is your chance for victory over emotional pain.
Science now knows that emotional illnesses can have a physical (biological) cause behind them, as well as severe trauma at some point in one’s life. In almost every major category of emotional illness, there is at least some biological basis for the disease.
Thus, the possibility of chemical imbalances should not be ignored. Get help from a professional who works in the field of mental health. Even your personal physician can be of great help to you.
Counselling is essential, but counselling alone will not cure this disease. Try to discover who your anger is directed toward. Write it out. What is it you are angry about? Who is it directed toward?
Having studied depression, it is appropriate that we now consider the subject of grief. This is because grief has in it so many of the same elements that you feel in depression.
Grief and sadness in response to the deaths of family members and friends are sometimes confused with depression. Normal grief is not depression. A normal grief reaction lasts for two to six months and generally improves without treatment of any kind.
While difficult to endure, grief does not usually cause prolonged impairment at work or hinder a person’s ability to accomplish daily tasks. In some cases, however, grieving is complicated by depression, which may already be present. If normal functioning is impaired for more than two months after a loss, a person should be evaluated for a depressive disorder.
Grief is a normal and natural response to any loss. When you are deprived of or have to go without something you had, needed, wanted or expected, you have suffered loss.
We grieve for the loss of all relationships that are significant. Loss can involve many things, such as death, divorce, leaving home, retirement, changing schools, loss of a job, abandonment, and rejection.
When these things happen, we begin a grieving process. It often comes in the form of shock, traumatising our emotional system. One can be left completely unable to function in a normal way as a result of loss. It robs you of any happiness you may have.
A loss may be sudden, gradual or prolonged. Grieving is over in a brief period of time for some. With others, it takes a longer period of time. Still others may have a problem with it for years.
Even after many years, there are small reminders during the day that start the pain all over again. Usually, the bigger the loss, the longer it takes to work through it.
However, this does not hold true in every situation. Some are able to cope with loss better than others. Recovery is feeling better, finding new meaning for living, going on with life, and setting new goals without the fear of future abandonment.
From childhood, we have been taught that it is not appropriate to show our emotions. Often, we are encouraged not to show grief. This is because few people know how to handle other people’s grief.
Have you ever heard or said any of the following expressions when someone attempted to express their grief?
All the above statements are in effect saying, “don’t be sad, don’t grieve.” Death and reactions to death are the most off-limits topics for discussion in our society because few people know how to handle other people’s grief. Eighty per cent of all comments tell us to behave in a certain way, anyway, but showing your emotions.
By following this behaviour pattern, you are better accepted. You don’t need rejection at such a traumatic time in your life. Most of the things people say, although they do not realise it, are an attempt to keep you from expressing your emotions. Thus, you stuff your feelings.
The worst thing you can do is to put on a smile and act as if everything is all right. Often, your performance can be so good that you even convince yourself as well as others that you really are all right, but you’re not.
The longer a person bottles up his or her feelings caused by loss, the closer he or she comes to serious emotional consequences. Over a period of time, unresolved grief becomes cumulative.
Often prolonged stuffing will result in a wide range of manifestations such as chronic anxiety, tension, resentment, confusion, guilt, emptiness, aches, pains and other somatic disorders.
We pay a price when we do not grieve in a healthy way. So don’t keep the feelings in. Sharing your feelings is how you get relief from much of the inward pain you feel.
If you stuff your feelings, you will experience more isolation and more pain. Keeping grief inside is the cause of the majority of the pain you constantly feel. When you have an emotional reaction, let it be; it’s ok.
You are allowing yourself to experience the feelings you have been hiding so long. It’s right to feel bad! And it is right to talk about your feelings. You need to acknowledge that you have sad feelings. You have to initiate your recovery. It is up to you. Your recovery will begin when you begin admitting your sad feelings.
Grief over divorce can be very devastating. Most of the time, you don’t want to talk about it. You feel embarrassed, even humiliated. There are always feelings of guilt. “Did I do the best I could to prevent this divorce?”
Again, as in a death, we stuff our feelings. Some say that divorce can actually be more traumatic than death. You have every right to grieve! Divorce is closely associated with rejection. If you are recovering from a divorce, you may want to review the lessons on Rejection and Forgiveness.
Retirement in particular can be devastating when it causes people to lose their sense of purpose. Retired people spend the first few months having a great time, and then they can’t find anything to do.
To be successful in your recovery, you also need a friend you can freely communicate with. This friend may be someone you feel very close to and feel at ease talking to.
It might even be wise to find someone who has suffered loss in the past like you. This friend needs to be someone you can feel free to talk to, a good listener who will be non-judgmental and will keep in absolute confidence whatever you discuss.
It is almost impossible to recover from your grief alone. If you have someone you can share your grief with, your recovery will be much more complete. We cannot overemphasise the importance of sharing your grief. As we have already noted, some won’t let you do this. But there are others who will. You need to find this person.
Jesus did not hesitate to show his grief openly. In John 11, we have the story of the death of Lazarus of Bethany, who was a friend of Jesus. Lazarus became very sick, and his two sisters sent word to Jesus of his sickness. When Jesus arrived at Bethany, Lazarus was already dead and had been in the tomb for four days.
Upon his arrival at their home, he saw the grief the sisters were experiencing. He was deeply touched by the whole affair. It is said that “Jesus wept,” John 11:35. Later, it is said that “Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance,” John 11:38.
Here we see that Jesus did not hesitate to show and express his emotions of sorrow and grief. Even though Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the grave, it did not take away his pity and sorrow for the deep anguish the sisters were experiencing.
Later on, Jesus made his way into the city of Jerusalem. Knowing the destiny of the city, how it would later be destroyed by the Romans, we are told, “As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it,” Luke 19:41. Jesus was never afraid to show his emotions. Neither should we.
Much of the grieving we have is a result of the things we were never able to say or resolve with the person we have lost. It’s the undelivered communications that are the cause for many not being able to recover from their grief. We regret the past that we did not do something different or better, or else we feel we should have done more.
You may look back and wish that you had said certain things you never got around to saying. Things like “I love you.” “I’m sorry for the way I treated you that time when…….”
There may have been some issue of great contention that was never resolved between you. You now regret you never attempted to settle the issue. You may have done something wrong, but you never did ask for forgiveness.
You look back on these past episodes and begin to have deep regret. This makes the grief more intense. Looking back, you become critical of what you did or did not do. This usually leads to an inaccurate appraisal of yourself and an inaccurate appraisal of your loved one.
If you remember a loved one as you wished they had been, not as they truly were, it is impossible to be objective in what actually happened in the past. This is why it is so painful to you now. Some of the things you remember may have been real issues that existed, and some may not have been serious at all. No one is perfect in their relationship with others.
In most cases, you did the best you could under the circumstances. The other person probably did the best they could. But now it seems bigger than it was at the time.
Thus, you may have a false sense of guilt about the relationship. Since you can’t go back and do anything about what occurred, you feel it is too late to correct things now.
There are about three areas where you feel you were incomplete before the death of a loved one.
1. Things that you are sorry for having said or done, or not having said or done.
2. Extending your forgiveness, things you need to forgive others for, either real or imagined.
3. Expressing significant emotional statements you never got around to saying that you feel should have been expressed
So what do you do about the unresolved past? You can get rid of any guilt for any wrong you may have been responsible for by asking God’s forgiveness.
Many of those who cried out, “crucify him, crucify him,” Luke 23:21, were in the audience on the day of Pentecost when Peter preached to them. Realising what a terrible thing they had done, they cried out to the apostles.
While those who were living did not have an opportunity to seek out Jesus and ask for his forgiveness, they were forgiven because of a penitent heart. The same is true today. Both the Christian and the non-Christian can have forgiveness if they do what God commands.
You need to forgive yourself. Forgive not for the deceased’s sake, but for yourself. Sometimes, even though we know God has forgiven us, we are not willing to forgive ourselves. We want to hold on, but God wants you to let go. Forgiving the person you lost also needs to be done.
Much has been written in this book about forgiveness, so you might want to review chapter nine, especially the scriptures found in this chapter. You can overcome your grief with the help of a good friend and your Lord, who understands your grief and intercedes for you.
We have mentioned that it is almost impossible to recover from grief without sharing your grief with a friend, but it is also impossible to fully recover without sharing your grief with the Lord. Seek his help. He will help you. You might want to write down the things you feel were never settled and then take these to God in prayer.
One of our deepest psychological needs is security. Security can be defined as a feeling of being safe, sure or certain. It is also feeling free from fear, doubt and danger.
However, the world at its very best is an insecure place. We are threatened on every side by many dangers such as disease, war, terrorism, crime, accidents, destructive forces of nature, etc.
How is it possible in a world of insecurity for one to feel secure? There are approximately 350 passages in the Bible that instruct God’s people to “fear not.” Furthermore, God’s word stresses that we should put our trust in Him and let Him be in charge of our lives.
It should be obvious that we certainly can’t place our confidence in ourselves. The only place we can place our trust is in the Lord. Many seem to feel that security is found in material things.
At least this is where so much emphasis is placed. We are led to believe that things such as money, houses, cars, etc., can give us security. Yet these have failed.
History shows that some of the most insecure people in the world have been those who have had an abundance of material things. Some feel that insurance, social and welfare programs can bring security. However, these things have not worked either.
It simply comes down to the fact that all of those things which man has devised for security are incapable of producing the peace of mind that we seek. Our only real security is in God, who is all-wise, all-powerful and knows what is best for us.
Just before ascending back to heaven Christ promised his disciples and those who would come after them, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age,” Matthew 28:20.
When we assure our hearts that we are never alone, that the Lord himself goes with us wherever we go each day, that he is our companion for the rest of our lives, we can then feel perfectly secure.
When we turn to God for our strength, we have unlimited power at our disposal. Note what Paul says in Ephesians.
With a God as described by Paul, how can we feel anything but secure? As a young shepherd boy, David knew of this security when he penned the words of the well-known and beloved 23rd Psalm.
Please read it slowly now and meditate on the full meaning of each phrase.
A Christian learns to do the best he can under the circumstances he is faced with. He puts his full trust in God knowing that the following.
Armed with so many assurances from God’s word, the Christian can face the future unafraid. No one, of course, knows what tomorrow will bring, but one thing is for certain. God is in control of this world in which we live.
Through his divine providence, he accomplishes his purposes. Therefore, you can always feel secure in his great love. Jesus had much to say about security in His sermon on the mount.
Read the following verses very slowly and meditate on their meaning in your own life. Consider them as though the Lord is speaking them directly to you.
If you have noticed closely, the key to security is to “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,” Matthew 6:33. This simply teaches that we must put God’s kingdom (the church) above everything else, Matthew 16:18-19. It was established fifty days after the crucifixion of Christ, on the day of Pentecost. We can read of its beginning in Acts.
Then, at the conclusion of the chapter in the last verse, we read, “And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved,” Acts 2:47. Once you become a Christian, you are subject to being a recipient of all the blessings and promises that are mentioned in the scriptures that you have been meditating on thus far in this chapter. Here are two more promises made to those who are Christian.
For good measure, here is another one.
If you are in Christ, then you have nothing to fear. Note what the Apostle Paul has to say in Romans.
Here is the grace of God, pure and simple. Grace is the unmerited, undeserved, non-repayable love of God. Can you imagine anyone standing before God demanding this great gift of salvation because he deserves it? Jesus has brought to us something that we can never earn or deserve.
Once we realise that we have to depend completely on Jesus and that we can’t earn eternal life, then our good deeds can be acts of love, not acts of desperately trying to score points with God.
The good news frees us to serve God out of gratitude, not from compulsion or fear of being condemned. Then we’re free to truly love God, with all our hearts, souls, and minds.
To be free of the feeling that we must constantly strive to establish our own worth is a freedom that truly gives us a peace that “passes all understanding,” Philippians 4:7.
The grace of God is truly beyond the grasp of the human mind. But even though we may not understand it, we can accept it simply because God wants us to accept it.
God can take frail, insufficient human beings and make them fit for heaven. This amazing grace of God causes us to be grateful, and as a result, we want to do God’s will regardless of any personal cost or sacrifice. True faith involves giving, not just lip service, but also giving our hearts and lives to Him.
The good news frees us to serve Him out of gratitude, not from compulsion. It becomes a joy and a pleasure to serve the Lord. Never is it a burden or drudgery. The natural result of all this is security. We have a relationship where we can talk to Him, not just about Him. In other words, it gives us a personal relationship with the Lord.
Note the joy that results for our security as expressed by the apostle Peter.
Read and meditate on the above scriptures this week. Read them very slowly and carefully, meditating on each word. Tell God you accept his grace and spend much time in thanksgiving for all he has done for you.
Now you can discard all your inordinate fears and really begin to feel secure. You might want to write out some affirmations you have about God and the promises found in his word. Express in your own words why you feel secure.
The purpose of these studies has been to learn about God’s cure for our emotional pain. We have examined many of those things which bring emotional pain into our lives (guilt, low self-esteem, insecurity, fears, worry and depression), thus robbing us of happiness and peace of mind. We have discovered how to eliminate these causes of our emotional pain.
We hope that by now you have been able to discover those specific things which may have been taking away your peace of mind and that you now know that God has a cure. As we come to this final lesson, we want to examine how we can attain peace of mind on a permanent basis.
Happiness is a choice. It really is. Abraham Lincoln, who it seems suffered from depression once, said, “A man is about as happy as he wants to be.” So happiness is up to you. It’s your decision. You are the one who makes the final decision.
The following are some suggestions that will help you attain peace of mind and happiness for the remaining part of your life. Most of these are things we have already considered in previous lessons. This is really a summation of what we have hopefully learned in these studies.
1. Develop a close personal relationship with your Father in heaven.
You do this by talking frequently with him and then listening as he talks to you. You talk to Him in prayer. You call him “Father.” This is exactly how you should look upon him, as your father. You form a father, son, daughter relationship. You listen to Him by reading and meditating on his word.
As you imbibe his word, you program your mind to think properly, and this results in happy actions. Bad programming from the past has been responsible for much of the emotional pain you have felt in later years. Good programming produces such things as love, joy, security and peace of mind.
Please reread this passage and meditate on it carefully. What beautiful and assuring words. Just think! We can partake of the Divine nature. What can offer greater security than this one thought? This close relationship can change our lives. So start forming this relationship with your Father by prayer and meditation on the Word.
2. Commit yourself daily to bring glory to God.
The whole purpose of our existence is to glorify God.
We bring glory to God by being an example to others.
As you go through the day, constantly remind yourself that you have committed the day to the Lord.
3. Get rid of grudges daily.
Harbouring grudges, anger, and hate can only destroy one’s happiness. It is a major cause of depression. It’s not worth it. So get rid of your grudges daily.
4. Do something nice for someone each day.
This kind of deed can be something physical, such as helping with a chore. It can be sending a card, making a visit, etc. It can be spiritual in nature, such as having a study of God’s word with someone.
Ask God to help you find a way to help someone every day. We all vary in talents and abilities. You have some special talent(s) God has blessed you with. Pull it out, dust it off and put it to use to help someone else.
Talk about “feeling good,” well, this is where much of that “good feeling” comes from. This should be true in reference to your own family and relatives, as well as others.
Helping others is good for us as it gets us away from self, thus eliminating selfishness. A self-centred person can never be a very happy person. Being a servant and serving others is the only way to true happiness. Ministering to others is a fundamental principle of Christianity.
5. Change the way you think and talk about yourself.
All of us go through the day carrying on a kind of dialogue with ourselves. We talk either in a positive tone or in a negative, critical tone. If we constantly criticise ourselves, we will hold grudges against ourselves. Quit condemning yourself. Look at the positives in your life. Get off your back and look at your accomplishments instead of dwelling on past failures.
6. Learn to think about good things rather than those things that are all negative, bad or evil.
Thought control is clearly what Paul enjoins here. It proves you can control your thoughts if you want to. It is within your power to completely change your thinking if you want to. Also, did you notice the word “meditate”? You need to spend your time thinking of those qualities which possess positive value.
Thinking of such things will lead to speaking and acting in harmony with these lofty principles. There is so much negative and evil that one can fill his or her mind with.
How much better to fill one’s mind with good things? Make a determined effort to dwell on things that are good, righteous and uplifting. It will make a tremendous difference in your mental state.
7. It’s time to let go.
You have held on long enough, so let go. Make up your mind to cut yourself free from such things as fear, worry, guilt, etc. Let God take control. Life is too short to waste your time in such negative ways. The Lord wants us to enjoy a full and abundant life.
God wants his children to be joyful people, but he leaves the decision to you. It is up to you. You have the ability to choose happiness. On the other hand you can choose to worry, feel guilty, unworthy, fearful, depressed, etc. The choice is yours.
All of us have an appointment with death.
You can go to your grave as a happy Christian or you can go as a miserable Christian. Why not spend what time the Lord has left for you here in this world being a happy Christian with peace of mind? It is such a waste to spend your days in the flesh being miserable. So cut yourself loose and be free to be happy.
8. Learn to laugh at yourself.
Don’t take yourself so serious you can’t ever smile or laugh about yourself. Tell things about yourself so that others can laugh and laugh with you. Sometimes the things we can be so serious about are really things you can laugh about.
We are not saying to laugh about sin in your life, certainly not. But often the things we get so uptight about and become so serious about are not things that involve any sin.
Again, remember that your goal is peace of mind. Let’s go to the scriptures once more and see what it has to say about this goal.
So there it is, in black and white. Meditate on it, and then keep on meditating. Yes, it is true. And it can be yours just for the taking. Hopefully, you have now completed all fourteen chapters in this book, doing each chapter as you were directed to do.
It is our hope that you have been patient and deliberate in these studies, doing everything as instructed. If you did not follow the instructions as directed, but rushed through or gave up before you finished, then don’t expect much in the way of results.
If this is the case, then you may want to start all over again, being patient and deliberate in doing one chapter per week in the specific way you are directed in each chapter. We believe firmly that God’s cure will work if you will allow it to.
As you know, you can accumulate many false concepts that lead to bad habits of thinking. If you have been piling up bad habits of thinking over many years, then once a habit of doing or thinking something is established, we continue to use that habit unconsciously.
So from time to time, you may feel some of the old pains coming back. If so, you may need to review some of the chapters in this book to re-establish your new patterns of thinking. Our prayer is that this study has been a blessing to you and has helped you become free from emotional pain. May God bless you with peace of mind.
At this time, it would be good for you to write out an assessment of where you feel you are now that you have finished this series on emotional pain. Do you feel you have made significant progress?
Are there areas you still need to work on? If so, you can review and work on those areas you feel you are still weak in. Try to be as objective as you can in writing out your personal assessment.